I promise.. I am alive..

My dear readers, once again I have failed to fill you in when I become absent like this. It has been awhile hasn't it? Well, honestly it still may be a couple days. I'm just not in the blogging mood lately and this is why:

That is my mom. Okay, I'm just going to jump into this. Saturday night, she woke up at 2 in the morning not being able to breathe. Thank heavens, my step dad was there (because my brother was not and usually my step dad is away at work in Oregon) and was able to rush her to the emergency room. Apparently they said she literally had made it just in time. She has been in the hospital ever since that night. For the first few days they had her on oxygen machines and were running all sorts of tests on her giving us no answers. She started throwing up constantly and spitting up blood, very scary things. Finally, last night the doctors were able to give us some kind of answer. It turns out my mom had 2 heart attacks. Apparently one was 6 months ago, that somehow we did not catch. Then Saturday night was the second. Also, she has a defective heart valve. What this means is that her heart is pumping blood into her lungs instead of wherever it is supposed to be going. Honestly, there are a lot of different things wrong with her heart that are all so technical I don't understand them. I've been receiving all this information over the phone so it is hard to keep up. Anyways, like the heart attack news wasn't shocking enough. This morning they went into her heart to check it out more and ended up putting a stint into it. They also have decided she needs to have a double bypass surgery within a couple weeks, once she is feeling a little better. That news just came to us today. I was at work at the time.

I'm honestly still shocked and haven't quite taken everything in yet. I've been trying to not dwell too much on it. It is also really really hard when I'm not there with her and the rest of my family, seeing this things in real life. You have no idea how awful I felt this entire week not being able to be there with her. AWFUL. HORRIBLE DAUGHTER. I'm just being honest. Because we literally just came back from vacation, I could not take off work mainly because I can not pay my bills if I don't have SOME money. I wanted to say to myself "Oh forget it, you can manage Megan. Just go!". But then I know I can't get help from my parents with money because now we are going to have a huge hospital bill. I knew I had to stay. That being said, I worked almost 12 hours today to make up for the time I will miss on Friday because I AM going back then. And  I will miss work the day she has her surgery. No questions.

You know what also kind of stopped me from going? A little fear inside of my head that something bad may happen the moment I leave. Let me explain on this. Last year, both of my grandfathers died. I was away at college during those times too. When I got the call that they were in the hospital not doing well (they were both quick deaths), I immediately got in my car to try and make it (3 1/2 hours). Both times I failed. The second time I had made it back, had just walked in the house to drop off my cats, when my dad called me and told me not to come to the hospital, that he had just passed away. Both times, my families were in the hospital with them at some point, able to say goodbye. I was hours away rushing to try. Then when I got this phone call about my mom, I tried not to freak and rush there because I honestly thought, "Megan, don't. You will jinx this. It always happens.". Sad, yes, but true and honest.

This is a really deep and kinda sad post and I apologize for that. Like I said, this is why I haven't really been in the blogging mood. I promise I'm not falling off it, I will return. I would be so appreciative if yall could keep my family in your prayers, if you think of it. Anything will help.

I'm trying to be as positive as I can. Right now, I think I'm the only one half way positive though it sounds like. I know it is scary but as crazy as it seems, this is in God's plan. I do know that. And I've never in my life met a women stronger than my mom. Ever.